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The End is Endless

By Sandrea-Lee Swaby

It's been a few months since I was laid off and I'm learning that the best way to get back on your feet is to just get out there! Take walks, visit friends, window shop and eat lots of ice cream—or in my case lots of soy ice cream. I've been reading Eckhart Tolle's inspiring work, The Power of Now, and I have to admit that the first few pages into it, I was a bit skeptical that it was what I needed. But I gave it a chance and I'm happy I did. The overarching point of the book is that we spend too much time thinking about the past and the future and not nearly enough time living in the present.

While I have been plugging away at the computer relentlessly looking for that ever elusive next job, I've been consistently giving more attention to my own spiritual needs. Solitude, for instance is sorely lacking in my life. I've never liked being alone—too many thoughts running through my head reminding me of what had yet to be done. That nagging voice in my head that told me I wasn't good enough loved to catch me unguarded on a lonely day. This month I vowed to get more comfortable with being alone with my thoughts and tackling them head on and most importantly doing things by myself.

I went to my first kundalini yoga class this month in an effort to sample all the different paths to find one that resonates deeply with me. So, I went in there expecting it to be new age folks up in there so I wasn't surprised at that. What did surprise me was the fact that kundalini yoga teachers don't really do much in the way of "teaching" in the traditional sense. They simply sit serenely, give directions and let you and your body work out the rest.

I strolled on in there with my yoga mat and was prepared to do battle with my mind and body. I'm sitting there doing some very basic exercises and I'm thinking 'this can't possibly be helping me. It's way too easy' but as the class continued the moves got a little more difficult and before I knew it I was working up a sweat and could feel some emotions coming to the surface. The class was about 75 minutes long and concluded with the most wonderful meditation session with a live gong. I am telling you, you have not lived until you've relaxed with the sound of a gong.

Waking up the morning after, while I felt physically and mentally stronger, I noticed that my emotions were completely out of whack. All the anger and sadness that I had felt surrounding the job came to the surface and it wasn't pretty. I was so busy being the strong woman that I was raised to be and I never took the time to feel the emotions. Instead I had gone into overdrive, taking care of the little things like putting my loans on deferment, applying for unemployment, working out a budget. I worried about how I was going to pay my bills but didn't take the time to worry about my own mental health.

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